How to support a victim of domestic abuse.

The stats about the rise of domestic abuse during lockdown have been circulating. With it, across social media, advice on how to help those trapped with their abuser are being posted and shared, such as covertly offering to sell make up. 

It’s amazing that so many people are dedicated to intervening when they see domestic abuse and genuinely want to help, and I know that that will continue long after the pandemic. Hopefully the commitment to helping victims of domestic abuse will infiltrate through society. I want to add a few things because sometimes disclosures or interventions can be handled in a way that causes more damage and more danger than help. 

These viral posts, with the best intentions, often cause more harm than good, but there are ways you can help someone who you are worried about. 

Manage expectations about the help you can give.

Often when you extend a hand to someone who is in a vulnerable position, they may need money, a place to stay, or someone to help with childcare and chances are you might be in a position to be able to help with these things. Be careful to let them know what it is that you can offer, and if all you are able to do is listen – which is amazing – then be clear about that. 

Do not contact abuser

I know it’s a tempting thought to shoot them a message assuming “Now they know that I know, they’ll feel bad and embarrassed and they won’t do it any more”. This is rarely the case, and in fact there is a higher chance that they will blame the victim for talking about it, and punish them. It could potentially put them in more danger than before. 

Signpost

Even if the person (or people) are not in a position to reach out and use those services, let them know about local or national services which can help them (listed below).  If you are worried about a neighbour or someone in your community, leave the information out where they may be able to see it.

Don’t gossip

Don’t pool knowledge and tell other people about what is happening. It comes from a good place, to want to contact a mutual friend or extended family member, and let them know what’s happening and maybe share advice on how best to support but please don’t be tempted to call up another person, or a few people about information that you have been told or have inferred. . There is often a lot of shame and humiliation around being in an abusive relationship, and those in it can go to great lengths to make sure no one knows about it. If you feel unable to carry the information on your own, be discrete, and do not use openly identifying information. 

Do not call the police

This is probably the most important one, and goes against a lot of imforation being circulated, but unless you have reason to believe that someone’s life is in immediate danger, or you have explicitly been told  – by the person experiencing abuse – that you should call the police, do not call them. 

The police will come over and do what’s known as a ‘wellness check’, and they will not say who it was that called them, but often their presence escalates the situation, it does not diffuse it. 

The police are not trained in the nuances and complexities of family dynamics. They often arrest the wrong person, and, as mentioned above, the abuser may very well punish the person you’re worried about and make the situation far more frightening and dangerous than before. 

If you are worried about a neighbour and are unsure what to do, post up signposting information in a communal area.

If you are worried about children, consider phoning social services

I say this whilst fully being aware of the trauma that can arise from involvement in outside services, and how safeguarding victims is also a form of structural oppression or discrimination, but I cannot in good faith actively discourage it. Children are also the victims of domestic violence and may require protection from outside of the family. Children experience domestic abuse even if they are not physically harmed by the abuser; they can be emotionally harmed through witnessing it or living in a home where it occurs. Calling social services can mean that the situation is handled more delicately than the police, but make note when you call that the victim has not consented and you are worried about further harm being caused as a result of the disclosure.

Children are very often voiceless with little or no resources to protect themselves, or even understand what is happening in these situations.

Keep open lines of communication. 

If possible, keep talking and keep being there for this person. This takes a lot of patience because it can be so tempted to shout “what are you doing?!” but the phone calls or the texts that they have with you is a lifeline. Remember, they know best how to keep themselves safe. They know their abuser better than anyone, and they have survived this long. To suspect abuse is happening, or to know it is happening to someone you care about can break you in half from the inside, but know that your presence – without judgement or threats of calling the police – means everything. 

Recognise the impact of abuse on self esteem

People who experience domestic abuse often have their sense of self worth obliterated. If you’re trying to support someone living with abuse, complimenting them, reassuring them, being kind to them, and boosting their self-esteem are amazing ways of keeping them strong.

Keep yourself safe. 

The other side of this coin is to know your own boundaries and look after yourself. If it becomes too difficult or too traumatic, do not be afraid to tell the person in a mindful manner and step away. 

National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 (www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/)

Mankind – 01823 334 244

The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327

The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428

Samaritans (24/7 service) – 116 123